4. Sober Queen

When I’m happy, I want to smoke. When I’m sad, I want to smoke. When I’m angry, shit roll up. I quit smoking, finally. Three days sober. I know it’s not a long time but it’s a start. My dad always tells me “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

I’ve been smoking since I was sixteen and I turn 26 next year. I’m not about to be the girl that’s been smoking for 10 years consistently, gross. When I quit cold turkey my first day, I wanted to celebrate by smoking. The first day is always the hardest. I was about to break. So, y’all know what I did instead? I got drunk. It’s nothing to be proud of, but it was 1am and I couldn’t sleep. A part of me started doubting myself thinking, damn girl you can’t stay sober for one day?

My friends and I get high before we even start our day. I recall traveling to Atlanta with my best friends and being irritated because we slowed everything down by smoking. (Haters will say I took too long to get ready). Before we went out, we would spend at least 30 minutes to an hour getting high. That’s crazy. At that point, who’s really in control?

I keep having this desire to look inside myself. Who is Kaia sober? Why do I want to be high all the time? What do I like to do besides smoking weed? Do you want to die of lung cancer? I’m such a hypochondriac. (I have asthma. After Covid, my lungs were never the same. Two asthma attacks in one year. I know what it’s like to be on oxygen, the back of an ambulance, prescribed steroids.)

I have this obsession with self-reflection, and I don’t want to be that girl anymore. The girl who’s spraying herself down with perfume, so no one can hint at what she did before she arrived. The girl who makes sure she has her eyedrops in her purse. The girl who wants to eat before she smokes. The girl who needs to smoke before she goes to bed. That will not be me anymore.

Sometimes you have to shake that funk off and get to know YOU. I just want to be kinder to myself. I can proudly say I did not smoke or drink today.